“will this bus take me to 5th avenue?” the bus driver shakes his head and says “no, im sorry.”

at this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: “will it take ME?”

she goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right as one day the bullets will come out.

so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “mum i was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!” so the mother tells her the story.

the next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “mum i was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!”

on the third day the son comes out and says “mum, mum!” she goes “let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?” he replies

“no i was jerking off and i shot the dog!”

when they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.

the chief then said “all of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”

so after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. the cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. he had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. he was soon killed.

later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. the cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. after to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.

the first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “why did you start laughing? you only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”

the second guy answered while still laughing, “i couldn’t help it. i saw the third guy walking in with pineapples”

The devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned the heat way up, it’s humid, you’re crushing rocks; why are you so happy?”

The Philadelphian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, “This is great! It reminds me of August in Philadelphia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!”

The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Philadelphian’s remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Philadelphian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.

Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.

The Philadelphian replies, “This is great! Just like April in Philadelphia. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!”

The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the Philadelphian suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Philadelphian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The Philadelphian is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.

“How can you be so happy? Don’t you know its 40 below zero!?” screams the devil.

Jumping up and down the Philadelphian throws a snowball at the devil and yells, “Hell’s frozen over!! This means the Eagles won the SuperBowl !!

Remote distribution, it seems, just for fun,
Had erased DLLs Windows needed to run
On 84 desktops way down in accounting.
I sat stunned at my desk, my blood pressure mounting.

When all of a sudden there arose such a clatter,
I saw that a server had something the matter.
There was smoke coming out of the main hard disk drive.
“No problem,” I thought. “I’m set up with RAID 5.”

But I found out the system I thought was unstoppable
Had disk drives that turned out completely unswappable!
“No problem,” I thought. “I’ve tape backup to thank.”
And then I discovered my backups were blank.

The UPS burped, and its lights all went out.
I started to scream! I started to shout!
But nobody heard as I vented my rage.
My gurus were all on vacation those days.

And nobody’s tech support answered the phone.
I was nose deep in trouble, completely alone.
When out at reception, I heard a soft knock.
As the hands just touched midnight on my desktop clock.

“What’s your problem?” he asked.
“Never mind, friend, I know.
I checked out your network five hours ago.
I did some proactive analysis, so

I knew that this time bomb was going to blow.”
Who was this guy? Who did he think he was?
He was dressed in red coveralls, white beard, black gloves.
His eyes had the twinkle of technical genius.

His smile cut down personal distance between us.
He spread out his tools, and went straight to his work.
“Whoever configured this network’s a jerk,”
He said with a -) as he quickly rebooted,

Uploaded some software, and smoothly rerouted
The LAN to a WAN that he quickly supplied
With bandwidth at least 20 gigabits wide
That went via wireless, I think, LEO,

To tech support elves waiting at the North Pole.
“Now bridging, now routing, now Ethernet hubs!”
He chanted as each piece of hardware he rubbed.
“Cheer up, my good friend! Lose that mindset so tragic!

Technology often looks just like some magic
To people who don’t understand what we do.
Now a switch, emulation, now middleware glue!
Look at the protocols, check one or two,

Debug a bit, test a bit, presto! We’re through!”
My data was back! Every system checked out!
Tears of joy wet my face as I wandered about.
“How can I thank you? You must be Saint Nick!”

He said, “Really, my friend, it’s not such a great trick,
If you don’t give up hope, focus on what you’re doing,
And read all your issues of NETWORK COMPUTING.”
And I heard him exclaim, as his reindeer were coursing,
“Merry Christmas to all! And consider outsourcing!”

Thanks to Randall Woodman

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.

“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”Saint Peter said, “You may pass hrough the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the m an wit h a raised eyebrow and asked,”And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carols.”

And So The Holiday Season Begins….

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you but don’t start anything.”

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”

7. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’ “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?
“Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” says Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t - I’ve cut off your arms!”

13. I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says “Dam!”.

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standingi n the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why, “they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them
goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he sufferedfrom bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good) . . . A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.

No pun in ten did.

As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”

The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”

The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”

The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”

The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”

The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”

The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”

The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a f—— Chihuahua?!”

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America’s recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.

3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.

6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller the balls are.