two blondes are waiting at a bus stop when a bus pulls up and opens the door. one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:
“will this bus take me to 5th avenue?” the bus driver shakes his head and says “no, im sorry.”
at this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: “will it take ME?”
a women was pregnant with triplets and one day she goes into this bank as it was being held up. she gets shot 3 times in her stomach, but luckily she lives.
she goes to the doctor who tells her her children will be all right as one day the bullets will come out.
so 13 years later, one triplet, a girl, runs out of the bathroom and says “mum i was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!” so the mother tells her the story.
the next day the second daughter comes out and says the same thing, “mum i was going to the bathroom and a bullet came out!”
on the third day the son comes out and says “mum, mum!” she goes “let me guess, you were going to the bathroom and a bullet came out?” he replies
“no i was jerking off and i shot the dog!”
one day in the forest, 3 guys were just hiking along a trail when all of a sudden a huge pack of indians attacked them and knocked them out.
when they woke up, they were at the leader of the tribe’s throne.
the chief then said “all of your lives may be spared if you can find ten of one fruit and bring them back to me.”
so after a while the first man returned with 10 apples. the cheif then ordered him to stick all ten of them up his butt without making any expression at all on his face. he had a little bit of trouble with the first one and started crying while trying to put the next one in. he was soon killed.
later, the next guy came in with 10 grapes. the cheif soon ordered him to do the same as the first guy. after to the 9th grape, the man started laughing so hard for no apperant reason, and was killed.
the first two guys soon met in heaven and the first guy ask the second, “why did you start laughing? you only needed one more grape and you’d have gotten away!”
the second guy answered while still laughing, “i couldn’t help it. i saw the third guy walking in with pineapples”
He had been a horrible man his entire life. The devil puts him to work breaking up rocks with a sledgehammer. To make it worse he cranks up the temperature and the humidity. After a couple of days, the devil checks in on his victim to see if he is suffering adequately. The devil is aghast as the Philadelphian is happily swinging his hammer and whistling a happy tune.
The devil walks up to him and says, “I don’t understand this. I’ve turned the heat way up, it’s humid, you’re crushing rocks; why are you so happy?”
The Philadelphian, with a big smile, looks at the devil and replies, “This is great! It reminds me of August in Philadelphia. Hot, humid, a good place to work. It reminds me of home. This is fantastic!”
The devil, extremely perplexed, walks away to ponder the Philadelphian’s remarks. Then he decides to drop the temperature, send down a driving rain and torrential wind. Soon, Hell is a wet, muddy mess. Walking in mud up to his knees with dust blowing into his eyes, the Philadelphian is happily slogging through the mud pushing a wheelbarrow full of crushed rocks.
Again, the devil asks how he can be happy in such conditions.
The Philadelphian replies, “This is great! Just like April in Philadelphia. It reminds me of working out in the yard with spring planting!”
The devil is now completely baffled but more determined to make the Philadelphian suffer. He makes the temperature plummet. Suddenly Hell is blanketed in snow and ice. Confident that this will surely make the Philadelphian unhappy, the devil checks in on him. He is again aghast at what he sees. The Philadelphian is dancing, singing, and twirling his sledgehammer as he cavorts in glee.
“How can you be so happy? Don’t you know its 40 below zero!?” screams the devil.
Jumping up and down the Philadelphian throws a snowball at the devil and yells, “Hell’s frozen over!! This means the Eagles won the SuperBowl !!
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said,”you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”Saint Peter said, “You may pass hrough the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the m an wit h a raised eyebrow and asked,”And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carols.”
And So The Holiday Season Begins….
