God, could being audited be any more FUN?
- Filed under: bastard system admin
- Date: Mar 3,2008
God, could being audited be any more FUN? No the Bastard Director of IT has not gone mad. I swear I had nothing to do with this, and would congratulate the Executive team for hiring an off shore firm to do the auditing, but they wouldn’t get it.
Everything started as normal. You know the insurance company, annual budget – audit stuff every company goes through. Memo’s and emails advising me of the upcoming this and that, yadda yadda yadda. So last Monday they arrived. I had H.R. send a car to the airport and pick up the “Team of Two”.
One is French or Belgian or South African or something, all I know is that no one, not even his team mate, can understand a fucking word he says.
The other is Irish, or Scottish or English (who the hell cares) but everyone here can only understand about ever other word in every third sentence he speaks.
So after the initial introduction, the two auditors pop off with the CFO to check out the finance department. The auditors are scheduled to meet an IT rep after lunch in the conference room. I’m sure they will have many requests for much information. Looks like a job for Lyn. But first;
LUNCH!
“Lyn, how about I buy you lunch today”?
“What do you want”?
“Nothing, it’s just that you are going to be my liaison to the auditors while they’re here and I thought you might like lunch”.
“Sure, and I bet you’ll tell me what ‘liaison’ entails at the restraint”.
“Well you’re half right. Meet me at my car at 11”
So off we go cross town to a small Mexican bar that has the best Margaritas and Wet Burritos north of the Rio Grand. Entering the establishment I order for both of us and guide Lyn to a table in the back corner.
After a wet burrito, Margarita for me and two Captain and Diets for Lyn (Rum and Diet Coke for you non-English speaking folks) I break the news.
“Lyn, you are going to give the auditors what ever they request. No questions”.
“Dino are you feeling alright? You sure you don’t want me to add a few forests or copy the general ledger to a hidden share the auditors will find almost instantly”?
“Nope those were the old days. This time its buy the book and no funny stuff”.
I know Lyn does not entirely believe me, but hey after a few Captain and Diets, Lyn is putty in anyone’s hands. So off we go back to the office. I introduce Lyn to the auditors.
“Gentleman may I introduce my assistant Lyn. She will be at your disposal for any information you may need”.
“Glad tae meit ye darlin, it will be a pleasure workin’ wi’ a quinie as bonnie as ye”. Replied the Irish, Scottish, English or what ever the hell nationality he was.
The guy speaking, what I later learned is Flemish, said “God to you meet morning”
Lyn gives me “the look” and realizes – incorrectly, why I feed her booze at lunch. You see it wasn’t to keep Lyn from going postal; rather to really frustrate the auditors.
Now I have a few rules when it comes to auditors.
Rule number one:
Always give auditors what ever they ask for.
-OR-
Always speak the language of the person whom you are requesting information.
That being said I leave Lyn and the Scott in the conference room and escort the Belgium, Dutch, Yoda speaking guy back to the CFO’s office.
On my way back I pass the conference room where the auditor is trying to get Lyn, who has a hard time handling a Rum buzz, to fetch policies and examples of this and that. I’m sure Lyn has as hard a time understanding this guy sober; with a buzz I’m sure it’s impossible.
For the next few days, Lyn and I meet at the Mexican bar for Drinks at 11 in preparation for auditors at 1. Today being Wednesday, there is a meeting with both auditors, the CFO, myself and The CEO. I have invited Lyn along as well.
I didn’t tell her that until after the second Captain and Diet.
One ‘O clock and everyone is in the board room, except the CEO - who can always be relied upon not to attend any meeting that does not include board members. Anyway, I suggest we all get on with it and the Yoda speaking guy says something that none of us understands. With that the Scottish one stands up and begins to speak.
“I’ve bin lookin’ at yer audit policies an’ thaur seems tae be a problem wi’ yer financial access”.
“You have been looking at your audit policies? I thought you were supposed to look at OUR audit policies”. I reply with confusion.
“That’s whit Ah said yer policies”.
“Her policies”?
I ask giving Lyn that all too familiar “I’m going to have fun with this one” look.
“ Noo see haur Ah dinnae hae th’ time tae discuss semantics. An’ Ah dornt appreciate ye makin’ fin ay mah leid”.
Now I’m not sure what the hell that meant but the Scottish guy is now red faced and his knuckles are turning white from griping the side of the table too hard. He’s either going to have a heart attack or kill me.
Sensing the impending doom, Lyn pipes up.
“So since it’s my policies you’ve bin luuking at, shouldn’t you be having this discussion with me”?
The Scott releases his grip on the table and says, “An’ whaur dae ye suppose we shoods dae thes”.
Lyn and I look at each other and then at the Scott; to which Lyn asks, “Do you like Mexican food”?
“Glaikit Americans Wa th’ heel nae”
I’m not exactly sure what the hell that meant, but I think the guy likes Mexican. I inform the CFO and Yoda speaking guy that we’re off to do some more auditing and will return in the morning.
I ask the CFO if he can arrange for transportation back to the hotel for the Yoda guy. To which he, seemingly anxiously, replies “Of course”.
So Lyn and the Scott take her car and meet me at our now ‘most favorite place to drink in the middle of the day’ watering hole. Scott in tow, Lyn leads the auditor up to the bar and buys him a drink. After a while the two are doing shots and each are attempting to dance on the bar.
I give the bartender $100 for the mess (that they’ll eventually make) and another hundred for cab fare, along with the hotel address.
Dateline – Thursday, eleven a.m.
No word from Lyn or the Scott, and Lyn’s car is not at the bar. I inform the CFO that Lyn and the other auditor are doing some off site auditing and will be back in the office tomorrow.
Later that night Lyn calls to let me know she’ll be taking the Scott to the airport tomorrow afternoon, and that she’ll fill me in Monday.
Well I’m not sure about the CFO, but I’m confident that the IT department will not have any findings as a result of this audit.
by Dinowuff BSA
