Murphy’s Lesser Known Dictums

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Aug 13,2008

Murphy’s Lesser Known Dictums

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

When you go into court, you are putting yourself In the hands of 12 people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport…

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Aug 10,2008

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.

His copilot is Chinese. It’s the first time they’ve flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the
auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, “I don’t like Chinese.”

“No rike Chinese?” asks the copilot, “….why not?”

“You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!”

“No, no,” the co-pilot protests, “Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese.”

“Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!”

There’s a few minutes of silence.

“I no rike Jews either!” the copilot suddenly announces.

“Oh yeah, why not?” asks the captain.

“Jews sink Titanic.”

“What? That’s insane! Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!” exclaims the
captain, “It was an iceberg!”

“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, …no mattah… all same!

London’s Heathrow Airport

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Aug 10,2008

A man boarded an aircraft at London’s Heathrow Airport for New York, and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo - she took the seat right beside him.

“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States.”

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?” “Lecturer,” she responded.”I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”

“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Aug 10,2008

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.
What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.
Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.
What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.
What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.
What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she’s 18.
What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
‘Are you sure it’s mine?’
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don’t have eyes.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What’s the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F… word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What’s the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time…’
A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this shiit…’
Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one’s tall enough to go on the good rides

President Bush and Iraq

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Aug 10,2008

President Bush decides to leave the White House and go out to sit in a local bar.

A guy walks in and asks the barman, ‘Isn’t that Bush sitting at the end of the bar?’

The bartender says, ‘Yep, that’s him.’

So the guy walks over and says, ‘Wow, this is a real honor! What are you doing in here?’

Bush says, ‘ I’m planning WW III.’

The guy says, ‘Really? What’s going to happen?’

Bush says, ‘Well, I’m going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.

The guy exclaims, ‘A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?’

Bush turns to the bartender and says, “See, I told you, no one gives a shit about the 140 million Muslims’.