Thought of the Day
- Filed under: funny picts
- Date: Mar 30,2008
I reckon he’s an accountant
- Filed under: jokes
- Date: Mar 25,2008
Two Aussie builders (Phil and Eric) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.
Phil: - I reckon he’s an accountant.
Eric: - No way - he’s a stockbroker.
Phil: - He ain’t no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn’t come in here!
The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and the several beers get the better of the builder.
Phil: - ‘Scuse me.. No offence meant, but me and me mate were wondering what you do for a living?
Suit: - No offence taken! I’m a Logical Scientist by profession.
Phil: - Oh! What’s that then?
Suit: - I’ll try to explain by example… Do you have a goldfish at home?
Phil: - Er… Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!
Suit: - Well, it’s logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in a pond. Which is it?
Phil: - It’s in a pond!
Suit: - Well then it’s reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden
Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!
Suit: - Well then it’s logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?
Phil: - As it happens I’ve got a five-bedroom house…built it myself!
Suit: - Well given that you’ve built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven’t built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?
Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.
Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?
Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!
Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate very often?
Phil: - Me? Never.
Suit: - Well there you are! That’s logical science at work!
Phil: - How’s that then?
Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I’ve told you about your sex life!
Phil: - I see! That’s pretty impressive…thanks mate!
Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.
Eric: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?
Phil: - Yep! He’s a logical scientist!
Eric: - What’s that then?
Phil: - I’ll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?
Eric: - Nope.
Phil: - Well then, you’re a wanker…
posted by Dalek
One for you, one for me
- Filed under: jokes
- Date: Mar 12,2008
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy.
Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he
thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery.
He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough,he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off.
Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along. “Come here quick,”said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the
Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said,”Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk?”
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me…”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything.
The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go
get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.”
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
Submitted by Dalek
Understanding Engineers- Take One
- Filed under: jokes
- Date: Mar 7,2008
*Understanding Engineers- Take One*
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when
one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this
bike, threw it on the ground, took off her clothes & said, “Take
what you want.”
The second engineer nodded approvingly & said, “Good choice; the
clothes probably wouldn’t have fitted you anyways.”
* Understanding Engineers-Take Two*
To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
*Understanding Engineers- Take Three*
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a
particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We’ve been waiting 15
minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept
golfers!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens keeper, let’s ask him.”
He said, “Hello, George! What’s wrong with the group ahead of us?
They’re rather slow aren’t they?”
The greens keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind fire
fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so
we always let them play for free anytime.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, ‘That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for
them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist
colleague & see if there’s anything he can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
*Understanding Engineers- Take Four*
What is the difference between mechanical engineers & civil
engineers? Mechs build weapons & civs build targets.
*Understanding Engineers- Take Five*
The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, ‘How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
*Understanding Engineers- Take Six*
Four engineering students were gathered together discussing the
possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer, just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system
has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The third said, “It was obviously a chemical engineer, just think
about all the reactions taking place each second in the body.”
The last one said, “You’re all wrong , it had to have been a civil engineer.
Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
*Understanding Engineers- Take Seven*
Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Engineers
believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
*Understanding Engineers- Take Eight*
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to
him & said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog & put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again & said, “If you kiss me & turn me back
into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it & returned
it to his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me & turn me back into a princess,
I’ll stay with you for one week & do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it & put it back into his pocket .
Finally, exasperated the frog asked, “What is the matter with you?
I’ve told you that I’m a beautiful princess & that I’ll stay with you for one
week & do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, ‘Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend,
but a talking frog, now that’s way cool!
High on Mount Sinai?
- Filed under: strange news
- Date: Mar 4,2008
The biblical Israelites may have been high on a hallucinogenic plant when Moses brought the Ten Commandments down from Mount Sinai, according to a new study by an Israeli psychology professor.Writing in the British journal Time and Mind, Benny Shanon of Jerusalem’s Hebrew University said two plants in the Sinai desert contain the same psychoactive molecules as those found in plants from which the powerful Amazonian hallucinogenic brew ayahuasca is prepared.
The thunder, lightning and blaring of a trumpet which the Book of Exodus says emanated from Mount Sinai could just have been the imaginings of a people in an “altered state of awareness,” Shanon hypothesized.
“In advanced forms of ayahuasca inebriation, the seeing of light is accompanied by profound religious and spiritual feelings,” Shanon wrote.
High on Mount Sinai? | Oddly Enough | Reuters
they were stoned
