Do you have feelings of inadequacy?

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Feb 29,2008

Do you have feelings of inadequacy?
Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?

If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or
pharmacist about White Wine.

White Wine is the safe, natural way to feel better and more confident about yourself and your actions. White Wine can help ease you out of Your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.

You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately, and with a regiment of regular doses you can overcome any obstacles that
prevent you from living the life you want to live. Shyness and
awkwardness will be a thing of the past, and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.

White Wine may not be right for everyone. Women who are pregnant or
nursing should not use White Wine. However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it. Side effects may
include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness,
loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity,
delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth Or Dare, and Naked Twister.

WARNING:-

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering
when you are not.

The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers
are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.

The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically
converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.

The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher,smarter, faster and better looking than most people.

The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.

Little boy is hiding in the closet

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Feb 26,2008

Little boy is hiding in the closet in his mothers room, while his mother and some man are having sex. All of a sudden the front door opens and shuts. Mom quickly ushers the man into the closet and goes downstairs to send her husband out on some errands.

Meanwhile the boy says, “Dark in here ain’t it”.
“Sure is” replied the man.
“I have a base ball glove for sale”. Says the boy
“How much”?
“200 Dollars”
The man pulls out his wallet and gives the boy $200

Later that week the boy again is hiding in his mothers closet, same man is having sex with his mom when dad comes home. Again the man is put in the closet:

“Dark in here ain’t it”. Says the
“Sure is” replied the man.
“I have a base ball bat for sale”. Says the boy
“How much”?
“300 Dollars”
The man pulls out his wallet and gives the boy $300

Later that month the boy is sitting at the table with his father.
“Dad” said the boy, “I sold my base ball stuff for $500″.
The father thinks about that for a while and becomes angry. He explains to his son that he should know better. That the base ball equipment was not worth $500 and he should go to confession and confess his sins.

The boy apologizes to his father and goes down the street to his church.

He enters the confessional and waits.

Soon the Priest enters, sits down and opens the confessional window.

Boy says “Dark in here, ain’t it”

To which the Priest replies….

This isn’t your mothers closet!

A Really Big Kid From Alton, Illinois

• Author: admin
• Filed under: that's life
• Date: Feb 22,2008

Wadlow was a 6-footer at the age of 8. At 10, he was 6 feet 5 inches and weighed 210 pounds. At 13, he was “the world’s tallest Boy Scout,” standing 7 feet 4 inches. He was 17 when he topped 8 feet. At the time of his death, Wadlow stood an inch shy of 9 feet, weighed 440 pounds — and was still growing.

Wadlow had designs on studying law, but a 1936 tour with the Ringling Bros. Circus made him a celebrity, and he spent the rest of his short life making public appearances. His placid nature earned him the nickname “Gentle Giant.”

As might be expected, Wadlow’s enormous size put a lot of strain on him physically. He required leg braces to walk and had very little feeling in his lower extremities.

Feb. 22, 1918: A Really Big Kid From Alton, Illinois

Office Rules

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Feb 16,2008

NEW OFFICE POLICY

DRESS CODE:
YOU ARE ADVISED TO COME TO WORK DRESSED ACCORDING TO YOUR SALARY. IF WE SEE YOU WEARING PRADA SHOES AND CARRYING A GUCCI BAG, WE WILL ASSUME YOU ARE DOING WELL FINANCIALLY AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE.
IF YOU DRESS POORLY, YOU NEED TO LEARN TO MANAGE YOUR MONEY BETTER, SO THAT YOU MAY BUY NICER CLOTHES, AND THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE.
IF YOU DRESS JUST RIGHT, YOU ARE RIGHT WHERE YOU NEED TO BE AND
THEREFORE YOU DO NOT NEED A RAISE.

SICK DAYS:
WE WILL NO LONGER ACCEPT A DOCTOR’S STATEMENT AS PROOF OF SICKNESS.
IF YOU ARE ABLE TO GO TO THE DOCTOR, YOU ARE ABLE TO COME TO WORK.

PERSONAL DAYS:
-EACH EMPLOYEE WILL RECEIVE 104 PERSONAL DAYS A YEAR. THEY ARE CALLED
SATURDAY’S AND SUNDAY’S.

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
-THIS IS NO EXCUSE FOR MISSING WORK. THERE IS NOTHING YOU CAN DO FOR
DEAD FRIENDS, RELATIVES OR COWORKERS. EVERY EFFORT SHOULD BE MADE TO
HAVE NON-EMPLOYEES ATTEND TO THE FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS. IN RARE CASES WHERE EMPLOYEE INVOLVEMENT IS NECESSARY, THE FUNERAL SHOULD BE SCHEDULED IN THE LATE AFTERNOON. WE WILL BE GLAD TO ALLOW YOU TO WORK THROUGH YOUR LUNCH HOUR AND SUBSEQUENTLY LEAVE ONE HOUR EARLY.

BATHROOM BREAKS:
-ENTIRELY TOO MUCH TIME IS BEING SPENT ON THE TOILET. THERE IS NOW A
STRICT THREE MINUTE TIME LIMIT IN THE STALLS. AT THE END OF THE THREE
MINUTES, AN ALARM WILL SOUND , THE TOILET PAPER ROLL WILL RETRACT, THE
STALL DOOR WILL OPEN, AND A PICTURE WILL BE TAKEN. AFTER YOUR SECOND
OFFENSE, YOUR PICTURE WILL BE POSTED ON THE COMPANY BULLETIN UNDER THE “CHRONIC OFFENDERS” CATEGORY. ANYONE CAUGHT SMILING IN THE PICTURE WILL BE SECTIONED UNDER THE COMPANY’S MENTAL HEALTH POLICY.

LUNCH BREAK:
-SKINNY PEOPLE GET 30 MINUTES FOR LUNCH, AS THEY NEED TO EAT MORE, SO
THAT THEY CAN LOOK HEALTHY.
-NORMAL SIZE PEOPLE GET 15 MINUTES FOR LUNCH TO GET A BALANCED MEAL TO
MAINTAIN THEIR AVERAGE FIGURE.
-CHUBBY PEOPLE GET 5 MINUTES FOR LUNCH, BECAUSE THAT’S ALL THE TIME
NEEDED TO DRINK A SLIM FAST.

THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOYALTY TO OUR COMPANY. WE ARE HERE TO PROVIDE A
POSITIVE EMPLOYMENT EXPERIENCE. THEREFORE, ALL QUESTIONS, COMMENTS,
CONCERNS, COMPLAINTS, FRUSTRATIONS, IRRITATIONS, AGGRAVATIONS,
INSINUATIONS, ALLEGATIONS, ACCUSATIONS, CONTEMPLATIONS, CONSTERNATIONS
AND INPUT SHOULD BE DIRECTED ELSEWHERE.

THE MANAGEMENT.

Limp Duck

• Author: admin
• Filed under: jokes
• Date: Feb 14,2008

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure,” she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.

He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.” Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$500!” she cried, “$500 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!”

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $500.00.”

posted by Ally

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