Driving your Car
- Filed under: funny picts
- Date: Dec 2,2008
THE NEXT SURVIVOR SERIES
- Filed under: jokes
- Date: Dec 1,2008
Six married men will be dropped on an island with one car and 3 kids each for six weeks.
Each kid will play two sports and either take music or dance classes.
There is no fast food.
Each man must take care of his 3 kids; keep his assigned house clean, correct all homework, complete science projects, cook, do laundry, and pay a list of “pretend” bills with not enough money.
In addition, each man will have to budget in money for groceries each week.
Each man must remember the birthdays of all their friends and relatives, and send cards out on time.
Each man must also take each child to a doctor’s appointment, a dentist
appointment and a haircut appointment. He must make one unscheduled and inconvenient visit per child to the Urgent Care (weekend, evening, on a holiday or right when they’re about to leave for vacation). He must also make cookies or cupcakes for a social function.
Each man will be responsible for decorating his own assigned house, planting flowers outside and keeping it presentable at all times.
The men will only have access to television when the kids are asleep and all chores are done.
There is only one TV between them, and a remote with dead batteries.
Each father will be required to know all of the words to every stupid song that comes on TV and the name of each and every character on cartoons.
The men must shave their legs, wear makeup daily, which they will apply to themselves either while driving or making three lunches.
Each man will have to make an Indian hut model with six toothpicks, a tortilla and one marker; and get a 4 year old to eat a serving of peas.
Each man must adorn himself with jewelry, wear uncomfortable yet stylish shoes, keep their nails polished and eyebrows groomed. The men must try to get through each day without snot, spit-up or barf on their clothing.
During one of the six weeks, the men will have to endure severe abdominal cramps, back aches, and have extreme, unexplained mood swings but never once complain or slow down from other duties. They must try to explain what a tampon is for when the 6-yr old boy finds it in the purse.
They must attend weekly school meetings, church, and find time at least once to spend the afternoon at the park or a similar setting.
He will need to read a book and then pray with the children each night without falling asleep, and then feed them, dress them, brush their teeth and comb their hair each morning by 7:00. They must leave the home with no food on their face or clothes.
A test will be given at the end of the six weeks, and each father will be required to know all of the following information: each child’s birthday, height, weight, shoe size, clothes size and doctor’s name.
Also the child’s weight at birth, length, time of birth, and length of labor, each child’s favorite color, middle name, favorite snack, favorite song, favorite drink, favorite toy, biggest fear and what they want to be when they grow up.
They must clean up after their sick children at 2:00 a.m. and then spend the remainder of the day tending to that child and waiting on them hand and foot until they are better.
They must have a loving, age appropriate reply to, “You’re not the boss of me.”
The kids vote them off the island based on performance.
The last man wins only if…he still has enough energy to be intimate with his spouse at a moment’s notice.
If the last man does win, he can play the game over and over and over again for the next 18-25 years…eventually earning the right to be called Mother!
It was Saturday morning
- Filed under: jokes
- Date: Nov 30,2008
It was Saturday morning, I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed
the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage to hook up the boat for the
fishing, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The rain was coming down sideways and the wind was blowing 80 kph. I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio and discovered that the
weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into
bed.
There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation
and whispered, “the weather out there is terrible!”
Sleepily she replied “Can you believe my stupid husband is out there
fishing.”
Newfoundland Love Poem
- Filed under: limericks
- Date: Nov 29,2008
(Who said Newfies aren’t romantic?)
Of course I love’s ya darlin’
Yur a bloody top-notch bird
And when I say’s yur gorgeous
I mean’s every single word
So ya bum is on da big side
(I don’t mind a bit of flab)
It means dat when I’m ready
Dere’s sometin’ there ta grab
So yur belly isn’t flat no more
I tell ya, I don’t care
So long as when I cuddle ya
I can get my arms round dere.
No woman who is your age
Has nice round perky breasts
They just gave in ta gravity
But I know ya did da best.
So I’m tellin ya da trute,
(Ya know I never tells ya lies)
I think it’s very sexy
Ya got dimples on yur thighs.
I swear on me grannies grave now
Da moment dat we met
I tot ya was as good a girl
as I was ever gonna get.
No matter wot ya look like
I’ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while da hockey’s on
And fetch anoder beer. 
Two guys from Flatbush
- Filed under: jokes
- Date: Nov 27,2008
Two guys from Flatbush, Sal and Tommy, are hunting in the woods. Suddenly, Tommy grabs his chest, lets out a loud gasp, and crumbles to the ground. He twitches a little and goes limp.
Sal bends over his friend. “Tommy? Tommy? Hey! Are you dead or what?” He whips out his cell phone and calls the paramedics. “Yo! My friend Tommy, he, like, keeled over and he’s freaking dead! Right here in front of me, he just drops dead!”
“Calm down, sir,” the paramedic replies. “Let’s not panic. First, we want to make sure that your friend really is dead.”
The paramedic hears a strange clicking sound followed by a sharp gunshot. Then Sal gets back on the phone. “Okay, now what?”
